The highest-grossing film of 1998 that was nominated for four Oscars (yes), “Armageddon,” makes its also-awful counterpart “Deep Impact” look like “Citizen Kane.”
This explosion-(in space?)-filled blockbuster is another in the painful pop culture cancer filmographies of director Michael Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer that likes to remind its audience 500 times that America can do no wrong.
Bruce Willis plays Harry Stamper, “the best” deep sea oil driller to ever live, who is asked by NASA to dig 800 feet down into a bound-for-earth Texas-sized angry astroid, place a nuke in it, and blow it up without dying.
Ben Affleck plays A.J. Frost, Harry’s best employee who is banging his daughter and likes to hotdog too much, do bad standup bits about animal crackers, sing awfully, and force us to listen to his bad Australian accent.
Liv Tyler plays Willis’ daughter, Grace, whose only job in this movie is to be in love with A.J. and to scream at everyone in Mission Control, who strangely allow her in the room. Oh, and be about to have sex while her actual dad serenades her via the soundtrack. Ew.
Billy Bob Thornton plays Dan Truman, who fills the Ed Harris in “Apollo 13” role as the leader in NASA's Mission Control room. They squeeze in some bizarre backstory for him where he has Forrest Gump braces on his legs and therefore couldn't be an astronaut.
And of course there's the rag-tag crew of Bruce Willis’ drillers that includes Steve Buscemi (who plays a genius pedophile), Owen Wilson (who plays a super annoying cowboy geologist), Will Patton (who plays a gambling-addicted dude who only kind of wants his family back), and Michael Clarke Duncan (who plays a giant dude who cries a lot and wears leopard-print undies). There’s also some lame astronauts (gross) and a bunch of cameos by awful ‘90s comedians.
Join us as we discuss the awful dialogue (“We’re all daddies, here”), mail-order brides, and the fine country of Samoa.
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