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Film Snuff

Tearing apart your favorite movies.
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Now displaying: June, 2017
Jun 27, 2017

Hello,

Did you know that a freshly severed human head weighs 8 pounds? The overly-quoted 1996 Cameron Crowe film, "Jerry Maguire," informs us of this fact along with a bunch of schmaltzy nonsense. The film's cornball dialogue and maudlin characters gave moviegoers a worse toothache than the giant container of Milk Duds they bought at the concession stand ever could. The last time we checked, needing someone to complete oneself was codependency and not a romantic notion.

This episode contains an unexpected event that happened while we were recording, so look out for that in the middle of the episode.

Tom Cruise plays Jerry Maguire, a thin-skinned pro sports agent who commits career suicide by manically writing the world's most cliché manifesto in the middle of the night because a little kid called him a jerk. Cruise’s portrayal of Maguire provided a glimpse of the pure insanity he would later exhibit during the Oprah couch incident of '05 and his legendary Scientology video.

Renée Zellweger plays Dorothy Boyd, a lonely widow who holds a suspicious amount of contempt for her now deceased husband. She hatches a dastardly plan to use her adorable son as a pawn in order to lure Jerry Maguire into her secret garden.

Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Rod Tidwell, an NFL wide receiver who becomes Jerry’s only remaining client and yells every word that comes out of his mouth. Cuba ended up winning an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for spouting off a bunch of catchphrases and walking around naked.

Jonathan Lipnicki plays Ray Boyd, a walking talking human booby trap whose weapons-grade smiles, hugs and kisses envelope Jerry Maguire faster than quicksand.

Join us as we reveal Jerry Maguire’s father’s true identity and ridicule Bruce Springsteen.

Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on TwitterFacebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com.

This episode is sponsored by A-OK-47.

Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Jun 20, 2017

John Hughes’ 1984 motion picture "Sixteen Candles" was a seminal point in film history—meaning, this is when movies started to get much worse. Way too many flicks have emulated this garbage heap’s style and essence over the years, and somehow people look past its gigantic flaws and consider it a classic comedy that’s both romantic and realistic at showing the awkwardness of high school. Um, no. None of those things are true.

It’s widely known for its blatant racism with the whole Long Duk Dong character, but that just makes people forget that this movie is also extremely rapey. The popular high school jock trades the opportunity to have sex with his passed-out popular girlfriend to someone he hardly knows in exchange for another girl’s underwear. Oh, John Hughes. You’re such a romantic.

Molly Ringwald (the original underwear owner) plays Samantha Baker, a high school girl on her 16th birthday who has two problems: 1.) nobody in her family remembers that it’s her birthday, and 2.) the boy she likes doesn’t even know she exists. These problems are, like, pretty major.

Anthony Michael Hall (who acquired her underwear and then trades them for rape) plays a lecherous creep who is somehow considered an underdog "geek."

And some guy nobody’s ever heard of (the one who traded his lady for the panties) plays Jake Ryan, a popular jock who Molly Ringwald so desperately wants to bone.

None of this movie is funny. All of it is racist. None of this movie is romantic. All of it is disgusting.

Join us as we discuss what kind of disease "Ringwald's" probably is, whether John Hughes belonged on a list, and exactly just what the racial slur "bohunk" means.

Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on TwitterFacebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com.

This episode is sponsored by Kim Jong-university.

Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Jun 13, 2017

Noted empty chair scolder, Clint Eastwood, directed the 2016 biographical drama, "Sully," which was proudly nominated for three AARP Movies for Grownups Awards. The film somehow manages to take the captivating story of one of greatest heroes of modern times, Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, and twist it into a mind-numbingly boring rant about how governmental agencies are malevolent and incompetent. Who knew that a movie about a guy who single-handedly saved 155 lives and was an Air Force fighter pilot could be such a snoozefest?

Charming and brilliant Tom Hanks made the unfortunate mistake of following Eastwood's ham-fisted direction in his portrayal of Sully. He presents him as stiff and robotic rather than the charismatic and dynamic character he has demonstrated himself to be on numerous occasions. While the real Sully confidently strode into the media spotlight following "The Miracle on the Hudson," he is awkwardly depicted as a withdrawn and frightened mess who feared being exposed as a negligent fraud. Again, we blame Dirty Harry for this rather than Tom.

Aaron Eckhart plays Jeff Skiles, Sully's heavily-mustachioed First Officer on US Airways Flight 1549. Eckhart's over-the-top facial fur and cheesy affect made for a performance that was more cartoonish than when he played Two-Face in "The Dark Knight."

Laura Linney plays Sully's wife, Lorrie Sullenberger. For some reason, they decided to portray Sully's beloved wife, who was a great source of support to him, as an ill-natured Nervous Nellie. She only talks to him on the phone in this and seems to try to add to his stress level at every opportunity.

Mike O'Malley, of Nickelodeon "GUTS" fame, plays the evil leader of the made-up governmental conspiracy against Sully that Eastwood shoehorned into this movie for no apparent reason.

Anna Gunn, aka Skylar White in "Breaking Bad," plays a slightly less evil government agent. She also tries railroad Sully as a bad guy after he saved 155 people, but she was a little bit nicer about it.

Join us as we discuss Hanks's acclaimed history of playing captains, chicken cannons and awkward cab conversations.

Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on TwitterFacebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com.

This episode is sponsored by ActualMonster.com.

Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

Jun 6, 2017

The emperor has no clothes! Paul Verhoeven’s 1997 film, "Starship Troopers,” is a blow ‘em up action war movie for 13-year-old boys featuring slimy aliens and a co-ed shower scene. It cowardly tries to claim that it's misunderstood satire rather than just a pile of space junk. In reality, the film is as effective at attacking militarism as "Top Gun," and, as far as the argument that this director is a secret genius goes, remember than Verhoeven is the same no-talent hack who famously directed softcore pornos like "Showgirls" and "Basic Instinct."

Casper Van Dien brings his soap opera-level talents to the role of Johnny Rico, a pretty boy who enlists in the military to try to impress his high school girlfriend despite clear indications that she's Just Not That Into Him. Against all odds, Rico manages to rise through the ranks and ultimately plays a major part in saving the human race from its arachnid enemies, but remember: fascism is bad.

And just when you thought the acting couldn’t get any worse than Van Dien, Denise Richards proves you wrong. She plays Carmen Ibanez (not Ibañez for some reason), the least-convincing starship captain in the history of film. She is also supposed to be one of the future’s top mathematical minds, so it's no wonder that mankind found itself on the verge of extinction.

Neil Patrick Harris plays Carl Jenkins, a psychic who enjoys making his pet ferret run up his mother's skirt for fun. Keep in mind, this movie was filmed years before NPH found his footing as the Tony Award-winning-and-hosting national treasure that he is today.

Join us as we discuss why the military takes prosthetic limbs away from veterans and how goo tanks work.

Tell us what you think by chatting with us (@filmsnuff) on TwitterFacebook and Instagram, or by shooting us an email over at mailbag@filmsnuff.com.

This episode is sponsored by Way Better Than You Farms.

Visit our website at https://www.filmsnuff.com.

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